


Remedial Studies of Computer and Human Sciences

by Allyjayrunaway



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: F/M, Jeff is a mess, We love him though, after basic sandwich, angst maybe?, my thoughts on what happened in his mind when he decided to marry britta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25440253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allyjayrunaway/pseuds/Allyjayrunaway
Summary: Jeff wants to be alone to contemplate his own alone-ness, and Annie won’t let him.
Relationships: Annie Edison/Jeff Winger
Comments: 18
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I think there will be a second part to this, maybe from Annie’s POV, but we shall see.  
> Props to the community discord server (cough 1sttimefeeling cough) for prompting me to post this. Those guys are awesome.

Jeff sits alone in the dark, tired eyes tracing the cracks in the table they’d all made together, seeing nothing in particular and thinking too hard for it to matter anyway. The room looks different tonight, probably at least in small part to do with the fact that he isn’t sitting in his seat. He’s in hers. Trying in vain to see the world through those glittering eyes. Trying to see the wonder and opportunity around him. Failing miserably. 

He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand why it’s always got to be so hard. He no longer trusts good things; every time he feels like he can take a breath and relax a bit, tragedy strikes. First Pierce, then Troy, now this. He’d give up his soul just to have the chance to keep his little family together and happy. He knows that he’ll never have that chance, that ship has literally sailed, and to top it all off he’s made a fool of himself and she’s the one who had to notice. She’s the one who’s mad at him, and maybe, just maybe, if he could see the world through her eyes then he could think of a way to make things right. He feels a stress headache coming on, so maybe he’s accomplished something, but deep down he knows that it will never work, and he’s about to lose the last thing tethering him to any kind of reality.

He loves her, he knows that now. Hell, he’d known forever. Maybe Borchert really is a genius, and Raquel actually is a computer that processes emotion, she had sure as hell made Jeff start processing his own. Too bad none of that matters now. His eyes prickle with unreleased tears and he can’t find any version of this situation that doesn’t end with him ageing and alone and drinking himself into an early grave. It’s not like he can share this with anybody, he can’t just confess to being afraid and in love and having a heart without calling attention to how much pretending he’s been doing, as transparent as it may have been.  
None of them were particularly sane, he’d accepted that a long time ago, but that means that he couldn’t enter an insanity plea as far as his ‘engagement’, was concerned. It’ll all have to fall on him and he’ll have no choice but to tear out his own heart in the name of damage control. He’ll have to settle for hurting her in a relatively small way now to protect her from what would inevitably be a world of pain later. She would love that. 

The frustration of trying to keep all of his protective lies straight in his head is starting to physically manifest, his leg bouncing uncontrollably and his knuckles turning white with the force of his grip on the edge of the table. When is he going to just learn to take what he’s given and stop making rules for every one else? He hadn’t realised he’s beating his fist into the table until the noise and pain jars him from his brooding. He’s split the skin over one of his knuckles, but otherwise he’s pretty sure there are no actual injuries. They’d made a solid table, for what that was worth. 

“Having a temper tantrum?” She asks from behind him, voice tempered with something indecipherable. What is that, boredom? Frustration? His mind is split between trying to figure it out and the embarrassment of being caught out like this. 

“Some things...didn’t go my way today.” It’s all he can offer in reply. She scoffs.

“What, your wedding got called off?” He still hasn’t turned to face her, can’t face her, but the bitingly cynical tone to her words almost makes him. He hates it when she sounds like that, when she sounds like him. It’s his turn to scoff. 

“Hmph, no.” He can’t take it anymore, so he turns to see her leaning, silhouetted, against the door frame, arms crossed and looking as though she had every intention of interrogating him until he goes hoarse. “I-uh-unsurprisingly I haven’t given that another thought.” He almost laughs as he says it. How selfish he is, how earth shatteringly out of touch. She reverses his own move, taking a seat in his chair and staring him down intently. 

“Then what is the point? Why do you do things you obviously care so little about?” At that point he does laugh. She’s so angry and he’s so heartbroken and there they are having a conversation wearing seven different veils and taken completely out of context. Nothing good could ever come of her pressing him when he felt so...much. 

“Look, it was dumb, okay? And I’m sorry, but you weren’t there. We had a whole conversation that, when looking back, was madness, but you just weren’t there.” For some reason her thinly veiled rage is pissing him off, and there’s something clawing to get out of him, to yell and throw things and show her just how far down inside of him this goes. 

“Well, you’re so good at telling stories, Jeff, take me back. Illuminate me.” He shoots her a glare, but she isn’t backing down. If she wasn’t so mad at me, I’d love to kiss that look right off her face. These are the things he needed to lock down tight, he tells himself. He shrugs with a sigh. 

“Like I said, it was madness. I was facing a world without Greendale, without any of you and I couldn’t just let it all go. I couldn’t just resign myself to doing nothing while everything I- uh- loved was taken away from me, so I grabbed the first contingency plan that came to mind with both hands, I went all in because it was all on the line anyway.” A twisted smile shows on her face, making her look more dangerous than he’s ever seen her. 

“And Britta was just there? Why is it that I always seem to just be an afterthought for you?” 

“Because you’re not allowed to be a forethought!” His voice rises perceptibly, and he realises he’s losing his grip. 

“I’m not allowed?”She hisses, and he finally notices the way her eyes are red and puffy, sees the tears brimming already. It’s like a punch to the gut. 

“Not for me.” He mumbles around the lump in his throat. All the fight has gone right out of him, and he’s just counting the seconds until it’s all over. He knows there’s no coming back from this, and he only barely has a shred of dignity big enough to try not to lay himself bare. 

“You’re not responsible for me, Jeff. I make my own decisions.” She’s clearly offended, but it doesn’t sound like any of the other dozen times she’s said the exact same thing. This time she has enough confidence that he almost agrees, but he can’t afford any more mistakes today. Not if he isn’t planning on taking her down with him. 

“Someone needs to be responsible for what happens between us, and apparently that guy is me.” He runs a hand through his hair and visibly sags, thinks about making a run for it, but she’s between him and the door and he knows she’d try to stop him. It would just end up hurting both of them worse. 

“Says the guy who obviously need doesn’t anything or anyone. You know, I really thought you had changed, but I guess I was wrong.” She makes to get up, but as much as he wishes this was all over, he can’t let it end like that. Not so soon. 

“I need people who need me, Annie! Congrats, you found my fatal flaw! The reason I can’t just move on!” He can feel the vein in his forehead bulging, but that’s the byproduct of the effort of holding it all in. He attempts to calm himself down, scrubbing at a tear and not really caring if she sees him. “You’ve never needed me, and you shouldn’t want to. You’re better than that, better than this place.” Her eyes widen in confusion, looking at him with no small amount of distrust. 

“If you need people who need you, and I never have, why do we always make such a good team?” It’s an honest question. 

“The reason we work so well together is because you need crisis to function, and when you’re dealing with crisis, you need a good sidekick.” He almost crumbles completely. “I liked- loved- being your sidekick.” She doesn’t answer right away, and he half expects her to just leave. 

Eventually, she says, “You know what, Jeff? You’re ridiculous.” Why can’t she see that he’s trying to be honest, and protect her from herself, and from himself all at the same time? In that moment, he wants to throttle her. 

“Oh, like you’re any less ridiculous! I haven’t forgotten what you said down in the bunker. Is ridiculous your word of the day?” If he really thinks about it, she’s never exactly been an open book with him, either, and her derision strikes a nerve. 

“You guys were, like, aggressively shoving it in our faces! What was I supposed to say?” She makes a face, still too angry to be a pout, but getting closer. 

“Tell you what. I’m going to spell it all out for you, and then you can hate me, okay?” He spits out, watching her mask slip a little. If she absolutely has to push and prod, then he’ll just have to be painfully clear. “It was something that essentially amounted to a dare, Annie. That’s how me and Britta work. Our relationship is entirely powered by spite. I had a melt down and she was there, and when I came up with a batshit crazy idea, she was batshit crazy enough to agree. I was clutching at straws and then when saving Greendale became a possibility, she was punishing me for it. Is that clear enough for you? Do you need to take notes?” His frustration is beginning to get the better of him again, and he tries to concentrate on his throbbing hand to keep it together. 

“Sorry I don’t know the intricate inner workings of your relationship with Britta. Ugh.” She sounds so sarcastic, with an over-exaggerated eye roll tacked on for good measure, that he snaps. Gives up. If she wants to know everything, then he’s just going to tell her. 

“You’re wondering if you were even an option, right?” He sees himself in his minds eye, manic and wild and potentially frightening, and if that’s what she needs to see to let it go, then fine. She nods, remaining silent and looking up at him with wide eyes. Looking at him like that is what started this whole predicament. “No. You were never an option for me to get fake engaged to, Annie.” He works his jaw and pauses, letting her digest this information. She has turned her head away like she’s been slapped, and it kills him, but he has to finish this. He pulls her chair toward himself, turning her whole body to face him. “Do you want to know why you were never an option for me to get fake engaged to, Annie?” He doesn’t wait for a response. “It’s simple. I can comfortably hate Britta. I could sink into bitter resentment over the course of a few years while we slowly destroyed each other. That’s basically our relationship already, so I could be okay with that! I could never subject you to that, no matter how much I might want everything else!” His heart is hammering in his chest, and he thinks he might be sick, but at least it’s out there. She knows now, and that’s all there is to it.  
Except, she isn’t leaving. She isn’t slapping him in the face and leaving him to rot like he deserves. Instead, and much worse, she’s giving him that imploring look that makes him want to shield her from everything and automatically give in to whatever she has to say next. Which, in this case, is an extraordinarily bad idea. 

“Okay...” She begins a little shakily. “But none of that explains what you’re doing here tonight, beating both our family table and yourself up.” She gestures to his bloody knuckle. 

“Annie, I can’t- this is something I can’t talk to you about.” It’s a cop out, but he’s had more than his fair share of being honest for one day. When he hazards a glance, Shen has reverted back to the steely resolved Annie she’d been when she came in, and he starts to feel like maybe he doesn’t have a way to get out of this one. 

“I don’t care, Jeff, after the day I’ve been through, I feel pretty entitled to some answers. And luckily for you, I preprepared the questions.” She crosses her arms and waits for him to acquiesce. He shoots her a glare, then lowers his head to thump against the table. 

“Okay, fine, but if I’m going to be completely honest, I have to know that you’ll be okay, that you’ll be that same indomitable Annie I know an-“ He cuts himself off. And love. She’s going to drag it out of him in time, might as well make her wait another few minutes. 

“You know what, just...shoot.” 

“Do you remember what I said to everyone down in the bunker today?” She wears a smug smile that alarms him, and he figures there’s probably going to be some revenge exacted at his expense. He sighs, accepting his fate. 

“‘We have to respect each other enough to let each other want what we want, no matter how transparently self-destructive or empty our desires may be.’” He intones dutifully. Why does everyone think he never pays attention? “Or did you mean ‘You guys can have my food and water’? You know, when Britta and I were apparently so disgusting you’d rather have died than be stuck down there with us...” He turns and flashes her a tight smile, as a little courtesy.

“The first one, Jeff. Obviously the first one. Though I stand by my previous rations related statement.” Jeff rolls his head back to stare at the ground. “Do you even know what that meant? Because here you are, all of five hours later telling me that I’m not even allowed to be a thought in your mind!”

“Counter question: even if I respected all of you until it came out of your butts, which I basically already do, what does that have to say about respecting my own self-destructive desires? Especially if the ‘destructive’ part affects someone else? What should I respect more, in that case, my own wish not to cause irreversible harm or someone else’s desire for something that can only end in pain? Answer me that, Annie.” He’d meant to be a little snarky, but there’s so much tension in his voice that he sounds deadly serious. He is, but he’s always preferred not to sound like it. She regards him with those eyes, those eyes that could peer into every little corner of his soul and bring all the tiny fragments of his humanity back to the surface and leave him both rattled and grateful. Which is why he’s avoiding eye contact like the plague. Finally she sighs and rests a delicate hand on his shoulder. 

“Counter counter question: What did you do that made Raquel open the door?” He straightens up, trying desperately to school his features into a mask of neutrality. She sees right through him anyway, she always does.  
“Why do you ask?” His reply is stilted and robotic, like he’s trying to keep all trace of emotion completely sealed off. She narrows her eyes at him, and he knows there is no escape. 

“Oh, Abed, Hickey, and I have a bet. They think you were physically- erm- stimulating yourself, and I think you were thinking about how much you love our group, and the school, and how much you weren’t ready to let go of all of it.” He knows he has to tell her, for once and for all, and really, she has a right to know. However, he also knows that she’s asking because she thinks she’s right, and he doesn’t want to just drop that bomb without warning. 

“You really want to know?” He asks, already aware that she’s going to say yes. When she does, he takes a deep breath and faces her, aware that this is about to be his first and probably last genuine declaration of love ever. He has to do it right.  
“I remembered the first time I called you ‘Milady’”, he finally chokes out. “All of our ridiculous escapades. When you kissed me to win the debate, and when I kissed you because that’s what I really wanted and two competing women had pushed me to the edge of sanity. I thought about the fact that it’s your birthday and I got you a present even though you didn’t want me to. I thought about your eyes, and your smile, the way you smell. The feeling I get when you brush up against me. I thought about you, Annie.” He pauses, feels the tears he’s been holding back for a year finally break free. He looks deep into her imploring eyes. “It was enough for Raquel, but it shouldn’t be enough for you.” 

He watches as her eyelashes flutter, lip quivering. He watches her face crumple, committing it to memory. Torturing himself with it. This is what happens when you hurt her, and if you let this go any further you are just setting yourself up to hurt her so much worse next time, buddy.

“You don’t get to do that, Jeff!” He’s mistaken her tears for sadness, but now he can see that she’s livid. “How can you possibly tell me you love me, and in the same goddamn breath tell me I don’t get to love you back!? Who do you think you are?” 

“I love you too much to- to start anything when I know that it will end with me hurting the person I love most in this world, okay!? I can’t!” He’s not even bothering to hide how much pain this is causing him anymore. There’s nothing left to fight, just a resolution to be reached before he continues a sad, Annie-less existence. 

“So you’re saying that you’d be able to love me, what, if you didn’t love me so much!? That’s bullshit, Jeff, and you know it. You’re a coward.” Hearing her sound so defeated and apathetic in the end sends him into a full blown spiral. 

“Yes! Yes, I am a coward. I am so afraid of hurting you that I would rather torture someone else. I am so afraid of winding up alone, knowing I did this to myself, but you are the girl who changes the way mustard tastes, and I cannot- will not- drag you down with me!” He realises too late that he’s reached a thundering roar, and finding her flinched away from him is the most heart breaking thing he’s ever experienced. “This is what I mean, Annie. I hurt you without trying to all the time. Imagine if I let myself love you the way I want to.” 

“You think I’m afraid of you!?” She shouts back, ignoring his words because she doesn’t have the kind of time she would need to process them. “I am not afraid of you. I’m barely afraid of anything, ask Abed! What I am afraid of is a world where I don’t have you, where you are just the next in a long line of washed up, drunken community college professors who can barely string two sentences together, much less teach a class. I’m afraid of finding you in a coma again, only this time you never wake up! I’m so sick of just being perky and bubbly and shy because I know you don’t want anything to change. Do you know how hard it was to keep myself from slapping you silly today!?” She’s ranting and venting and making threats and he thinks that maybe she isn’t as breakable as he previously thought.  
He can’t help but think of her as the soft, giddy girl he’s been telling himself he has to protect for nearly five years now, but something creeps in at the edge of his mind. Images crowd into his brain, filling him to capacity. Annie sniffling and clinging to the side of his hospital bed just a week prior, all soft sadness and understanding. Annie, hair flying wildly as she dodges and weaves through an onslaught of paintballs, barking instructions through gritted teeth. The way she says his name when she’s worried about him, mostly a breath and entirely crippling. Every time she’s stood up to rally them through one hardship or another; her complete unwillingness to fail. The special smile she gives him when he agrees to help her with something. Her ingenious manipulation tactics and incredible intellect, the way she can bend almost anyone to her will with a flutter of her eyelashes and a quiver of her lip. Her refusal to give up on anyone or anything she believes in, often risking her own happiness in the process. 

It all coalesces in his mind, forming one crystal clear picture of her, and he realises that for the first time ever, he’s seeing all of her. Not just the parts he wants to protect or the bits that he admires, but all of her, the soft and the hard and the fragile exterior with an iron-clad core. He acknowledges that she’s one of those rare people that shows the world her gooey soft marshmallow bits and then dares them to forget the razor blade hidden inside. He’d forgotten, or maybe just never realised it was there in the first place and instead of protecting her from herself, he’s actually just slowly slicing his own strength to ribbons.


	2. The Annie of it All

Annie stares at him, face contorted into a bizarre mixture of fury and hurt, biting her lip to keep herself from crying. He won’t even look at her, he’s just staring at the floor working his jaw. It feels like he’s either going to say something that can’t be unsaid or he’s just going to leave and she’s never going to see him again. Neither options are particularly attractive.

It’s not like she never thought this would happen, that something would snowball into an unavoidable, irreversible confrontation...she just didn’t think it would happen now. However, the events of the day seemed to have shaken something loose in Jeff- or cemented it down, she can’t tell yet- and she realises that he’s the one driving the conversation. Sure, it’s covered in a thin veneer of acting like he can’t but she’s pushed him a lot harder in the past for a lot less reward. She can’t pretend that she’s not still angry in light of all this, though. Can’t force herself to smile and ask what’s wrong, if she can help. She’s done with that. So she bares her chin and looks right into where his eyes should be, and talks.

“When I was in rehab, there was a girl who came in around the same time. We got to know each other, and as awful as the whole experience was, it always felt okay because I had a friend. When I felt like the world was crashing around me every night and I wanted to tear of my own skin, when I started hearing voices and seeing things...none of that mattered because we could always sneak out to the common room and talk about what life would be like when we got out. We dreamed up so many weddings, so many graduations from Ivy League schools, so many life events. We were going to move in together; we’d basically designed a whole apartment where it would just be the two of us, no one to tell us when to sleep, no one monitoring our every move...just the two of us against the world.” She pauses, a tight grin making its way across her face as she remembers those quiet, huddled midnight conversations. The confessions and holding each other as they cried at the injustice of it all. A tear winds itself lazily over her cheek bone and she’s quick to scrub it away. When she finally tears her gaze away from the wall, she finds him looking at her, eyes wide and lips pinched. He seems so wide open just then, taking her in. She steels herself, making her mouth say the words that she’d gotten so good at not thinking.

“A week before we were set to go home, she missed breakfast. Her place setting was right in front of me, so I waited, but she never came down. I knew something was wrong, you know, you just get that knot in your stomach that feels like it’s sitting in your heart, and you can’t breathe...” She looks over at Jeff, and his eyes bore into hers. Almost as a side point, she notices that he’s crying too. “I was the one that found her. She’d managed to smash the mirror in the bathroom, and used a piece of glass to cut herself. There was so much blood, Jeff. She was in the shower, but she’d been able to drag herself so close to the door.”

“Annie, I-“ She cuts him off.

“I couldn’t even scream. I just stood there and stared at the look on her face. She looked so at peace, eyes closed. None of the hurt and fear and anger that being alive comes with. I wanted to join her so badly, in that moment, but an orderly came in and I got pulled away. I don’t think I said anything for the rest of the day, I didn’t even cry until I noticed that there was blood on my bunny slippers. It took me months before I realised why she did it. Her parents had come to visit the day before, they wanted to make sure she was doing okay, to let her know that they loved her and wanted her to succeed, but she didn’t want to leave. She couldn’t handle the weight of everyone’s expectations so heavy on her shoulders, so she killed herself. And left me alone, to relapse and be stuck there for another two months. I didn’t have a single moment after that where the stitches weren’t being ripped out. Every hallway, every room held the stagnant memory of her, and I felt like I was just left to be rotting away too.” Annie feels a hand on hers, but doesn’t bother to look at him. She’s not done. She has a point.

“Do you know how long I’d been out when I came to Greendale?” He gives her a blank look and shakes his head; it’s almost like he’s afraid to do anything other than be there. She sniffles. “Eight days, Jeff. I had been out of rehab for eight days when I met you and the group. And I never relapsed. So try to protect me all you want, at least you’re doing better than my parents did, but don’t you dare say that it’s because I can’t handle being hurt.”

“Oh my god, Annie, I never knew-“

“You never knew because, unlike some people, I don’t advertise all my trauma to anyone that’ll listen.” She looks into his eyes then, daring him to disagree. He might be able to lie to everyone else, maybe even to himself, but he can’t lie to her. And he knows it. “I am younger than you, so the fuck what? I’m peppy and I believe in the good in people, and I care because I know what it’s like to be on the other side, Jeff. I know what it is to stare down all the hurt and anger you ever thought humanly possible and tell it to go to hell. That isn’t going to change just because the guy I thought I loved is a coward.”

“Annie, I already know that you are the strongest person I have ever met. I have always known that, you don’t have to prove it to me. But for fucks sake, you shouldn’t have to be! It’s not that I think you can’t handle being hurt, it’s that I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you. I hurt everyone around me, and just because you’re the only person I’ve ever truly loved doesn’t mean that’s going to change! I don’t trust myself with you!” He’s breathing hard, and the tears are slipping away from him, and her breath catches in her throat, hand flying to her mouth. He loves her.


	3. House vs. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck. He said that out loud. Told her the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much credit to the Community Discord chat, especially Bequeathment Sperm for keeping me company while writing this, drunk, at 2 in the morning.

Fuck.

He said that out loud. Told her the truth.

He doesn’t even really know when it happened, just that it had creeped up on him out of nowhere between dumb kisses and hand holding in the dark, and he’d never seen it coming. One day he was telling her he’d be crucified and some time further on down the line he found that he didn’t actually care. He was afraid, though. Of doing something so wrong he’d never be able to fix it, of being the one person solely responsible for blowing up his own happiness. And yeah, he’d always known she was tough, as much as he liked to forget it, but seeing her here like this tonight, he realises that the only way forward is off the cliff. He can’t keep hurting her with his own self-flagellation because the only person he wants is someone he keeps telling himself he can’t have. He has to take the leap.

Annie is still looking at him, wide-eyed, hand over her mouth, looking like the personification of fear and wonder. She’s waiting for him to continue, he knows, but as for what to say now? He’s at a loss.

“Look, Annie, we both know that I’m the worst at letting people in. You can’t burn down the city if you’re stuck outside it, you know?” The reference makes her quirk an eyebrow, but he soldiers on. “But somewhere down the line, you weaselled your way into my heart and started hanging up pictures and putting cute throw pillows everywhere and I was too dumb to notice. By the time I did, I was too scared to do anything about it. You never stopped, though. Setting up shop and making yourself at home here. There are signs of you all over me.” He pauses to swallow, his mouth exceptionally dry. He momentarily wishes he had a glass of water or something. “Right now, my heart is like a terrible studio apartment Britta probably lived in somewhere: it’s cramped and the pipes squeak and the neighbours are super loud. And you, you deserve a big house with a picket fence and, like, an in built forensics lab or something. I want to give that to you, more than anything, but I don’t know how. I’m more likely to spill wine on the carpet and-“ She cuts him off, leaving him surprised.

“Jeff, I’ve seen your apartment, it’s spotless.”

“But it’s not a home, Annie! That’s what I’m saying! It’s empty and soulless and I could move out tomorrow and nobody would notice. Right now, I can’t be home for you. But if you’ll have me, I’d love to start saving for a down payment.” It’s not a Winger Speech, he’s too all over the place and his metaphors keep changing, but it is honest. That’s all he needs to be right now.

“Jeff, I’m not your back up Britta. I’m not just going to sit around and jump whenever you’re in crisis. I’m done playing games with you. Every time you even get close to admitting that there is something more than nothing between us, you run as far as possible in the other direction, and I’m not doing that anymore.” His stomach drops. In all his mental agonising over self-imposed rules, he’s managed to wait until she’s done with him to actually make a decision. Of course, he’s too far down this road to turn back now, so he bites his lip and takes a breath.

“Annie, I am sorry. I am sorry for making excuses and refusing to see things that were right in front of my face, and most of all, I am sorry for ever making you think that you’re not the sun, because you are. My whole world revolves around making you laugh, being the person you call when something is wrong, completing your damn Save Greendale stars...you are the person who makes me want to get out of bed in the morning, who makes me want to care and be better than I am. And I can’t escape that anymore. That’s why I’m here, sitting in your fucking seat, beating the shit out of myself. because I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been. You deserve the world, especially because the one you were born into tried its best to break you and you refused to let it. I want to try to give it to you, to make up for what I’ve put you through, but only if that’s what you want.”

She doesn’t say anything for a long while; it’s just the two of them staring into each other’s eyes, trying to glean whatever sliver of comfort they can from the moment before she drops his gaze.

“Jeff, I need you to promise me something.”

“Anything.” It’s barely a breath but she seems to hear him.

“Promise me you’ll never run away from me again. Even if you can’t handle things, or you can’t talk to me at the time, don’t leave me alone again.” She looks back up and his heart nearly shatters. Her eyes are glittering and she looks so broken that he knows it’s not just him she’s asking to stay. It’s a whole host of characters who’ve failed her in the most painful ways possible. He’s here now though, and he’s not going anywhere.

“I promise. You can’t get rid of me now.” This garners a tiny giggle and he can’t help but grin. Something in the back of his mind is bothering him, though. “Hey,” he says with a softness he didn’t know he was capable of. “Are you okay?” He stands, running a hand over her back, not quite expecting it when she throws herself into him, face buried in his chest and fists gripping his shirt. If it were anyone else, he’d be concerned about wrinkles. He wraps his arms as tightly around her as he dares and dips his nose to rest in her hair. She smells of coconut and promises, and the way her hair tickles his chin makes him fall in love all over again.

“If I’m honest, I never thought this would happen. I thought we were destined to fall apart and be each other’s biggest regrets. I want this, Jeff, but I’m going to need time to adjust. I don’t want to rush into things when they’re still unstable, you know? This house needs a good foundation.” She tilts her head to look up at him, and he feels for the first time like they’re entirely on the same page. He breaks out into a grin, watching a small smile twist her full lips.

Tentatively, he bends down, leaving enough space between them that it’s her decision whether or not to close the gap. A moment hangs like gossamer mist in the air, her eyes flicking down to his lips and back to his eyes. Questioning. He gives her an almost imperceptible nod before she leans into him, and he’s melting. Her lips are softer than he remembers, brushing lightly over his, making him dizzy. He’s ensnared in her, completely and totally. She sighs into his mouth, and he nudges her nose with his. It’s possibly the most chaste kiss he’s ever shared, but it means the most to him. Even more so when he sees her hands shake slightly as she adjusts her cardigan. He releases a breath and fights the urge to jump up and down.

“Walk me to my car?” She asks shyly, smiling up at him with that special smile reserved just for him. He presents her with an arm.

“Milady?”

“Milord.”

————————

Annie’s just walking through her front door when her phone buzzes. She sighs, toeing off her shoes and hanging her keys on their designated hook. Her mind is so preoccupied with the events of the day, she totally forgets about the text until she’s getting into bed a full half hour later. She’s mentally and physically exhausted, and fervently hopes Britta isn’t asking her for a ride home. When she sees the message, she nearly drops her phone onto her shocked face.

**From: J Winger 21:26pm**

_Hey beautiful, I hope you made it home okay. Can I steal you away tomorrow? It’s important._

She’s in the middle of typing a reply when a second message comes through.

**From: J Winger 22:04**

_Important but not bad. Just something I want to do with you._

**To: J Winger 22:05**

_My only class gets out at 1:30, is after that okay?_

**From: J Winger 22:05**

_Perfect, I’ll pick you up at 2?_

**To J Winger 22:06**

_Sounds good. See you then_

_< 3_

She adds the heart at the last moment, then instantly regrets it. A new message pops up almost immediately, though, so she doesn’t have time to really think about it.

**From: J Winger 22:06**

_Can’t wait._

_Good night, gorgeous_

She falls asleep with her phone clutched in her hand and a dreamy smile on her face.


	4. Clandestine Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He meets her in the parking lot, and can’t ignore the way his heart leaps in his chest when he spots her walking toward him. She’s wearing a navy dress and a white cardigan and the look is just so her that he can’t help but smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so. This chapter ended up being a monstrosity, so I’m going to add a second part to this fic instead of bombarding you all like that. It’ll be set immediately after the end of this one, and is basically just a continuation. As always, thanks to the guys over at the Community Discord chat. AlmightyMirage, for being up the same hours as me, Bequeathment Sperm and jeffwing(1sttimefeeling) for the moral support this week, and Childish Glover for bleh.

He meets her in the parking lot, and can’t ignore the way his heart leaps in his chest when he spots her walking toward him. She’s wearing a navy dress and a white cardigan and the look is just so her that he can’t help but smile. He loves her, and he’s okay with that now. But he needs a way to communicate that to her without making the stakes too high. He has a plan, and it’s either going to work or it’s going to scare her away forever. Go big or go home, he thinks to himself.That doesn’t mean he isn’t nervous, though. If he were in the business of being honest with himself, he could admit that internally, he’s terrified.

He nearly falls on his face getting out of his car to meet her, and maybe these are the moments that are missing in their relationship. The ones where he’s not too preoccupied shoving down all of his feelings to remind her that he’s actually human. That he loves her because she’s so painfully, delightfully human too. Her voice jogs him out of his own head a bit, and he’s cursing himself for not being more present in the moment. This is the dream he refused to acknowledge he had coming true, and damn if he’s going to miss a second of it.

“Hey, Jeff.” It’s so soft, so simple, but it’s enough to communicate everything he needs to know. She’s nervous, unsure, trying not to get her hopes up. It hurts him a little.

“Hey, Annie. I...missed you.” It’s been all of sixteen hours, but he’s decided he’s going to stick with this whole honesty thing. It’s the truth.

“You did?” She looks up at him, a crinkle between her brows that he so desperately wants to smooth out with a gentle kiss. He reigns himself in at the last second though, swooping in for a crushing hug instead.

“Yeah. I did.” His lips are next to her ear, and he feels a little shiver work its way over her with his words. He has to get himself under control. This is the first date he’s ever done research for, and he’ll be damned if he ruins that by being over eager. Ugh, who the hell is he? The old Jeff would have run straight into traffic before using the words ‘over eager’ to describe himself, but it’s just another in a long line of signs that he’s become an entirely new person over the last five years. He releases her slowly, noting the way she’s melted into him; the feeling of her will never get old. He sighs. “I always do, Annie. It’s a real pain in my ass.” She grins up at him and he favours her with one of his patented smirks. He needs to keep this lighthearted or he’s just going to scare her.

“So what did you want to do?” She asks, tilting her head the way she always does when she’s curious, and it’s such a normal, sweet part of her that he has to remind himself to breathe. And also to say something.

“I-uh-wanted to take you somewhere. Just us.” He fucked that up, he knows he did, but he can’t take it back now.

“Oh...” She says in a voice he can’t quite parse out. “Is it because you’re in love with me and you want to take me on a date?” He mentally does a double take before noticing the quirk in the corner of her mouth.

“Are you mocking me? Annie ‘Holding Hands At Disneyland’ Edison is mocking me for being in love? I’ve truly hit rock bottom.” He drawls as he swings around to the other side of his car to open the passenger door. “Are you coming or not?” He gives her his best pleading look and chuckles when she sticks her tongue out at him. She gives him a swat on his arm as she passes, then smoothly slides in. He’s tempted to try that thing in the movies where action stars slide across the hood, but he’s never done it successfully before and his aim for today is to get Annie to trust him more.

Once he’s back in the drivers seat, she turns to face him more directly.

“Seriously, Jeff, where are we going?”

“I guess you’ll just have to find out.

She only pesters him about the whereabouts of their destination once more during the ride, stating that she hadn’t been to this side of town in a while. He doesn’t doubt that, they’re entering what he used to affectionately call ‘Rich Man Heights’, and considering the group’s varied but similar stations in life, he isn’t surprised none of them had a reason to come up here. Well, except Pierce, but those days were long gone anyway.

It’s not until they turn down a well-kept residential street that she begins to act a little panicked.

“Uhh, Jeff? Seriously, where are we going?” A slight note of hysteria has crept into her voice and he’s genuinely thrown off by it.

“What’s wrong?” She doesn’t look at him right away, so he scrambles to explain. “I really wanted to do something nice, so I thought we could have a picnic in the park. Lakeside Springs is my favourite park in town, so that’s where we’re going...” He resents having to ruin the surprise, but he’s not going to risk upsetting her for the sake of his own satisfaction. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see her sigh with visible relief. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” It’s a gentle push, but he’s both concerned and curious.

“Um, we just passed my parents’ house is all.” She doesn’t look at him, and his blood runs cold for a moment. She can’t honestly think that he would do something that far out of line, can she? He isn’t Britta.

“Annie, I would never try to force anything like that on you. You know that, right?” She murmurs something quietly, and looks out the window. They’re coasting down a steep hill, the park sweeping wide in every direction below them. Jeff parks his car as quickly and smoothly as he can manage before turning to her, an imploring look on his chiseled face. He strokes her arm gently, before saying “If you wanna leave, we can do something else?” She favours him with a gentle smile and shakes her head.

“No, if I’m not wrong, you actually put effort into this, and I don’t want to ruin it.” He frowns a little, nonplussed.

“Annie, you aren’t ruining anything. If you’re uncomfortable, that’s important. I want you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself, and if being here is going to mess with that, we’ll go find somewhere else. This is about us, which means that as long as it’s you and me, nothing else matters. Especially not which park we decide to have a picnic in.” Her lower lip trembles a bit, but he can tell that she’s made up her mind.

“It’s okay, it’s a big park. I want to do this with you.” He simply nods, then opens his door to get out. He pops the trunk to grab his picnic supplies, before noticing the way she stands facing the sun, eyes closed like she’s taking all the light in. There’s a slight breeze that ruffles her long hair, single strands glowing as they catch the sun, and she looks so ethereal in that moment he doesn’t want to disturb her. He just wants to take it in for a while.

The smattering of nearly invisible freckles spread like stars over the bridge of her nose, the curve of her jaw joining with her graceful neck. The way she leans forward ever so slightly, like the peace of the moment might allow her to take flight. He’s so devastatingly deep into his admiration that it’s almost a shock when her eyes flick open, locking into his gaze immediately, glittering and so deep he might never stop sinking into them. The way she reflexively blushes and brushes a lock behind her ear but doesn’t look away makes his heart race in a way he’s sure can’t be entirely healthy. Eventually, he pulls himself out of his trance and hefts a massive picnic basket over toward her. He offers her his other arm with a dizzy smile.

“Milady.” Her grin makes his knees weak, but he recovers quickly.

“Milord.”

***

Lakeside Springs Park is a sprawling oasis of green that offers a million little places to hide away, which is why it had been at the top of Jeff’s list when he’d decided to do this. He guides her through a series of footpaths as they make their way deeper into the heavily wooded area. It’s warm and the birdsong makes him feel eight years old again, holding onto his mother’s hand as she pulled him along. They hadn’t had a picnic in almost a decade, but they’d always been some of his fondest memories, the solitude and quiet and satisfaction of a place just for them. Well, now them and Annie.

He stops her just at the crest of a small ridge, and she turns to face him, question dying on her lips. He looks thunderously serious and her hackles raise themselves immediately.

“What is it?” She speaks just above a whisper and he has to fight not to laugh.

“Annie Edison,” He begins in a low voice. “Do you solemnly swear to take all knowledge of this location with you to the grave, giving no single person any clue as to its whereabouts or contents?” She quirks an eyebrow at him, then nods.

“I do so solemnly swear.” He breaks out into a huge smile, grasping her hand and gently kissing her knuckles. She giggles, still very confused.

“Okay, stay here a minute. You’re going to love it.” He surprises her by diving into the underbrush and out of view, feet disappearing a full few seconds after the rest of him. As soon as he’s sure she can’t see him, he sets his basket down and gets to work setting up. The first thing to come out is a thick quilt, meant to keep them dry and away from any of the smaller wildlife that might grow bold enough to attack them. He hates ants. Then, he’s got a bottle of wine and some glasses, followed by an assortment of snacks he’d picked up from the deli on the way to get her. He’d made the decision in a split second when he’d messaged her the night before, so he didn’t have a lot of time to plan, but he’s pretty proud of himself regardless. There’s a nice charcuterie board with meats, cheeses, and a delectable mango chutney; a loaf of exquisite French bread to dip in balsamic vinegar and olive oil; and a cheesecake tiramisu he’d grabbed from a local boutique bakery. His wallet isn’t thrilled with him, but he wants to show her how much she means to him, to put out all the stops. His heart rate picks up as he finishes setting up and realises that this is the moment of truth. He pokes his head back around the hedge, and laughs. Annie is sitting on a protruding tree root, staring at the sky and muttering to herself. She’s ditched her flats and is swinging her bare toes through the long grass. He waits for her to notice him, but after a minute she still hasn’t spotted him so he loudly clears his throat. She snaps up to look at him, but in doing so loses her balance and pitches herself off the makeshift seat. Jeff winces as she falls to the ground, jogging over to make sure she’s okay. When he pops his head around the tree, he can see her giggling but decides to check on her anyway.

“You okay?” She snorts and he can’t help but laugh along. She’s laughing so hard that he doubts she can push herself up, so he scoops her into his arms against her faint, choked protests. He gets so caught up in her lips so close to his that he nearly stumbles into a small stream, but ultimately manages to manoeuvre them through the hedge without incident. She lets out a gasp as he carries her to the blanket, setting her down as gently as he can manage.

“Oh my god, Jeff! This place is amazing!” She isn’t aware that she’s holding her breath as she looks around. A huge globe willow shelters the space, split down the middle and each side coming to cup a natural clearing next to a small pond. She can just barely make out traces of the sky between the branches, but lances of dappled sunlight strike the ground at irregular intervals and the air is so calm she can hear the whisper of blades of grass caressing each other. She turns to face him, momentarily stunned by the warmth in his eyes as he regards her. “How did you find this?” She genuinely wants to know. He chuckles.

“I didn’t. And I was sworn to secrecy just like you were.” She gives him a look and he raises an open palm. “Okay, my mom found it. After my dad left, she and I did a lot of stuff together, I guess because we were all each other had at the time. She used to bring me here on Friday afternoons, right after school got out. She would bring a book and snacks, and we would just lay together while she read to me. Some of my happiest childhood memories are here, and I wanted my happiest adult memories to start here too.” If it weren’t for the way he’s refusing to meet her eyes and the flush on his neck, she’d think he’s just trying to charm her, but he’s not. Jeff Winger, being honest. Who’d have thought?

“It’s amazing.” She tries to meet his eyes, but he’s caught looking at his knees. She places a soft hand on his cheek, prompting him to lean into it. “Thank you for showing me.”

Jeff may have accepted his feelings for her, but that doesn’t mean he’s entirely comfortable feeling them yet, so he pushes on, grabbing the bottle of wine.

“Some rosé for the lady?” He’s got that classic smirk back, so she doesn’t worry. She grabs a glass and hands it to him, murmuring her thanks. He spends the next few minutes explaining the options while she listens attentively. It’s one of his favourite things about her, when she’s listening to him, he feels truly heard. Once he’s explained how to combine the elements of the board into a super-sandwich while she sips her wine, he relaxes, stretching out and resting his head in his hand. He’s intent on spending the afternoon just watching her, seeing her smile and letting it fill him up to the brim. There’s only one problem with that: she’s watching him right back. He drops his gaze, but she just moves closer. Her perfume hits him like a wave of flower petals, making him feel dizzy and a little bit drunk, even though he’s only had one sip of wine. He wants to make her feel comfortable, so he starts babbling about a time when he was a kid and his friends tried to blackmail him into giving out the location of the secret hideout, but he didn’t break. She hums along with him, laughing out loud at the part where they tried to make him pee his pants at a sleepover, but they put his hand in cold water instead of warm and he just woke up.

They carry on like that for ages, trading stories about what life was like as kids, Jeff finally spilling the beans about his tinkletown incident, though he doesn’t mention Shirley’s part, and Annie explaining that her karate teacher had once banned her from class because she bedazzled her belt, until she successfully kicked down six boards in a show of frustration. Without realising, they move closer together over the course of their afternoon, Jeff laying on his back staring at the way the leaves ripple in the breeze, and Annie’s head on his chest, eyes closed as she listens to his stories. She’s pretty sure he’s never let anyone in like this, and feels both pleased and saddened. She’s happy that after so long hammering on the door he’s finally letting her in, but sad because she knows that he doesn’t let anyone else see him like this. They’ve all but finished the spare bottle of wine Jeff hid in the basket- just in case- and when Annie sits up, the world is spinning a little bit.

“Can I tell you about my parents, Jeff? Without you getting all overprotective and crazy?” He sits up too, facing her without making it clear that he’s studying her face very hard in this moment.

“Sure. I’m here.” He tries to sound nonchalant, so she doesn’t second guess herself at the last moment, but it’s a facade that gets harder and harder to maintain as she goes on.

“It just makes me sad, you know? It’s like there’s this huge part of my life that I’ll never be able to fix, and it’s always going to be there hanging over me. People that I used to know asking about my family, trying to explain or trying not to...” She trails off, looking lost and small against the backdrop of willow. “After rehab, my mom called me just to tell me I was a ‘failure to launch’ and that if I ever managed to make something of myself it would be because of them and in spite of who I am. I never saw them after that. Last I heard from Anthony, they threw out all my belongings and turned my room into a home theatre.” She pauses, tries to collect herself for a moment before giving up entirely. “And I really want to hate them, you know? It would be easier if I could just say ‘Fuck you, Mike! And fuck you especially, Karen!’ But I can’t. I’m angry about it, sure, and hurt, but I don’t hate them. And I wish I could.” He notices the way her eyelashes flutter, and he’s there to catch the tear before it ever really releases.

“That’s the thing about parents. When they’re good, they’re good. But when they’re bad, it’s really hard to accept that they’re human.” He says, looking out over the water. “I know it’s easier to try to hate them, but from someone with a really bad parent, the best thing you can do for yourself is try to forget them. Your mom made her decision, and as fucked up as that decision was, it brought you here.” He gently runs his fingers through her hair, aware that she’s looking at him like he has all the answers. “I don’t know what it was like to know them, but I do know what it’s like to know you, Annie. And you are the most inspiring, beautiful, determined person I’ve ever met, and I never want that to change.” Her eyes lock onto his, and for a second he’s not sure if he remembers how to breathe because she’s looking at him like she’s going to steal his very soul.

Her lips crush against his like she’s trying to find god in the scratch of his stubble along her jaw, and he’s no longer thinking about breathing, or anything else for that matter. He just wants her. She tastes like wine and bubblegum and all his hopes and dreams, and he’s pretty sure he’s never going to let her go. Even though he has to eventually, when the sun dips behind the mountains and she starts to shiver against him, this time from the sudden chill set in the air. He packs up his basket and doesn’t even hesitate to entwine her small fingers in his.

Later, when he’s watching the end credits to a movie he didn’t pay any attention to and she’s snoring gently on his chest, he thinks that maybe the only thing he really needed was a locked door only opened by a confession. Everything else is just icing on top.


End file.
